Anatomy of a RAHHH

Disclaimer: the following post is to be taken with good humour.

Don't beat me to death with lacrosse sticks.

 Name: Felicity Wofflesburg-Jones

Nickname: Fi-Fi

Most Likely To Say: "OH. MY. GOD. Mummy won't let us go to Landahn for the weekend in the Landy! How, like, selfish!"

Features: 

1. Massive Quiff. Containing 90% of the hair and an entire can of hairspray. Note: she will spend roughly 2 hours a day in total pushing it out of her face.

2. Roots. Because, of course, she's not a natural blonde, and yet, the roots are all part of the look. Or she spends too much time riding (or buying clothes that make her look like she rides) to dye it.

3. False Eyelashes. No longer are these just for a night out with Girls Aloud, she will wear them even to the shops or to pick up Princess PonyFace from the stables.

4. Duck Face. A staple in any photo, the minute she sees a camera pointing her way, she will duck-face it up and stick her boobs out. SEXY.

5. Fake Tan. You know that shade that makes you look a little too orange? Yeah, go three shades darker and apply roughly a centimetre all over the face. Don't want anyone seeing the spots you got from applying so much make-up!

6. Massive Earrings. So big that you wonder how she keeps her head up. Or fits thorough doors.

7. Pearls. These used to be solely for a night out, as long as you were over 60 and in a ballroom. Now, they're as common as gold hoop earrings.

8. Expensive Phone Glued To Hand. The average rah has 30,000 Facebook friends, mostly from her gap year. With that many friends, she can't afford to let her iPhoneberry leave her sight.

9. Team Insignia. You will be hard pressed to find a single rah who has not played hockey/polo/lacrosse/rowed for a national team, because they are always wearing the proof that they were there.

10. Gilet. A piece of clothing primarily for rowers and horse-riders, but of course, she has played for the national teams, so she's probably wearing it for the regatta in 5 minutes.

11. Leggings. Leggings used to be worn by 8-year-old girls who were a little bit odd, and even then they were generally worn over some kind of hideous mucous-coloured corduroy skirts. Praise the trouser gods that people have decided that leggings, the slightly thicker cousins of tights, are suitable for wearing alone. VPL is the new black.

12. Bag In Crook Of Elbow. Studies have shown that the average rah has 50% less shoulder width than any one else of the same size. This explains the carriage of the bag in possibly the most uncomfortable place on the body (after between the teeth).

13. A Huge Bag. IT'S FULL OF SECRETS.

14. Uggs. The only footwear not suitable for any weather, she will wear them all year round. This may be related to the recent evidence of a condition called 'Rah-Ankle', where the ankle, exposed to so much boot-fuzz, starts to grow a thick coat of sheep-like wool. I'd hide that, too.

Name: Rupert Millington-Smithley III

Nickname: Rupe

Most likely to say: "Oh, Tarquin, fancy a cigar? Daddy brought them back from Vietnahhm!"

Features:

1. Hat. Nearly always grey, and ALWAYS far too big. Characteristically hangs down at the back, possibly for storing Poppers or something.

2. Bed-Hair. He will spend an hour every morning getting his hair to look JUST LIKE he rolled out of bed 5 minutes ago. You may think the latter option is less time-consuming, but it's an ART.

3. Goggles Tan. He summahed in the Alps with Mummy, Daddy and Jemima. It's all about Après Ski 2008, dahhling.

4. Popped Collar. A feature of both gangsters and rahs, but universal in the fact that it means, in both cases, 'my neck is cold'.

5. Horse Face. Probably not a true feature of most, but cultivated, if possible, by sticking out the upper jaw and inventing a new laugh that makes people wonder how close your mother was to her pony.

6. Pink Polo Shirt. He's just comfortable enough with his sexuality that it doesn't matter, ok?

7. More Sports Insignia. Generally a crossed pair of oars, polo mallets, lacrosse sticks, etc. Usually in a bright, clashy colour so you can really see which team he (apparently) played for.

8. TENSED...MUSCLES... Because the girls love it. And he's quite vain.

9. Festival/Polo Match Bands. He can't take them off anymore, because that would disrupt the colony of ants living under there since '09.

10. Pants On Show. Another staple of gangster wardrobes, this one says 'I ran out of belts'.

11. PJ Bottoms. NO! They aren't PJs! They're designer trouser-things, and he WILL wear them out in public.

12. Flip-Flops. Not just for the beach. Apparently these act as a warning for those who may need to know if a rah is approaching, such as, say, chavs, or people with sharp knives and a hatred for all things pink. FLIP! FLOP! FLIP! FLOP!